Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Married Female Seeks Male Friend for Regular Lunch Dates

This cartoon is in no way relevant to this post.  I just thought it was funny.

“Holly, why aren’t you blogging much lately? I really miss it.”

Not one of you has said the above, so here I sit, in a pool of narcissistic self-pity.

Okay, I’m over it and am ready to move on.

So, the husband is a social butterfly, and any given day of the week, he’s bopping off to some fancy restaurant to have lunch with a client or friend while I sit at home and eat the twins leftover PB &Js. (Now might also be a good time to mention that he drives a luxury vehicle and I drive a rusty Grand Caravan that leaks.)

So, yesterday evening, John’s cell phone rang. He answered it and said, “Veronica! Hello.” And then he walked out of the front door and into the driveway to speak to her. Alone. In private. Away from me.

Naturally, I went and opened the front window to eavesdrop. I couldn’t hear anything because Caleb kept asking me what I was doing, and when I shushed him he asked, “Are you trying to spy on dad?” When I said yes, he wanted to know why and, quite frankly, I was at a loss for words. Then I bumped my head and the whole thing was completely foiled. So I went outside and stood next to John and glared at his phone until he got off.

“You have too many female friends,” I announced.

He protested. Veronica, of course, was not calling to be social; it was work related.

“You’re always going out to lunch with other women.”

“I never go out with another woman. Sometimes in a group, but not one on one.”

I listed at least four women I knew he’d gone to lunch with. Alone. And the jerk just stood there with this dopey grin on his face.

“Are you jealous?”

For the record, no. I am obviously a catch. Veronica is probably ugly and stupid.

Still, it isn’t fair. Which is why I decided to launch my own personal search for a male friend. I thought up the following advertisement:

Greetings men! Do you like friendship? Do you like lunch? Me too! Let’s get together and have interesting conversation, snack on appetizers, and maybe play some raquetball afterwards. My 4-year old twins will accompany us on most occasions. Try not to hit them with the racquetball. Or your racquet. Good news on that front- they generally don’t finish their PB&Js, so, free dessert! By the way, if you want to call to chat during dinner, please feel free to do so. That’s what friends of opposite genders do! Also- if you are friends with Veronica, please don’t bother responding to this advertisement.

I scratched the above in favor of a better idea, one that I felt was more beneficial to my marriage: I called the husband to plan a lunch date for tomorrow afternoon. But I couldn’t get through to him because I had forgotten to pay his AT&T bill, and they had cut off his service.

And I wonder why he sees other women…


Debbie said...

I really did miss your blogs! Glad you're back!

Jessica said...

I miss your posts! I was psyched to have one to read!!! LOVED that one - too funny! P.S. - YOU should have the better vehicle because it should be safe as you are driving the children around!! ;) Try that out! <3

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry I don't always read your blog regularly! Please don't stop! You are always entertaining :)
Love ya, Raney

Dad said...

Your caption to the cartoon has clear echoes of Kipling's commentary on the drawings that go along with "How the Elephant Got His Trunk."

Holly said...


Tim said...

Oh no! I am one of your husband's sexy lunch dates!