Do you like getting Christmas letters?
The Christmas cards have dwindled at our house, probably because I have not sent out Christmas cards in the past 2 years. I’m afraid friends and family think I don’t love them anymore.
I do love you.
I’m just unorganized.
I love Christmas cards, but man, I looove getting Christmas letters. They come in three categories: Informative and cheerful, downright obnoxious, and full of absolute horror.
Example 1: My oldest daughter Lizzy got married to a wonderful man this summer! The bridesmaids wore yellow and we were blessed with a beautiful, sunshine-filled day.
Example 2: My oldest daughter, Lizzy, graduated with honors from Harvard in the spring and then married an aspiring brain surgeon on a private beach in Hawaii in July! The bridesmaids wore Versace and our good friend, Bill Gates, gave a moving toast that brought everyone to tears.
Example 3: Well, my oldest daughter Lizzy got knocked up and decided to wed her boyfriend, who would be in med school if he could just pass the MCATS. We’re so hopeful for their future. I’m going to kill him.
My letter this year would have gone something like this,
Dear Friends and Family!
How are you? But more importantly, how have we been?
You’ve been waiting all year to hear. I know this year’s letter will not disappoint:
JOHN: John has been semi-catatonic since the demise of this year’s NHL season. He made a little moan after the election results came in, but I haven’t really talked with him since July.
HOLLY: Holly has been experimenting with yo-yo dieting! It hasn’t been as successful as you would think. She remains the primary source of transportation for her four children and is eagerly awaiting the return of The Walking Dead in a few weeks.
CALEB: Caleb took up the baritone this year. In other news, our neighbor’s house is up for sale.
BEN: Ben’s teeth remain too large for his head. Everyone notices. It’s totally embarrassing.
DANIEL: Daniel is so cute that sometimes I drag him out of bed at night just to cuddle him and weep because he’s getting older. My therapist told me this is “weird” and to “stop doing that.” I promptly fired my therapist.
ELLA: Ella had her first opthamologist appointment ever where she received sunglasses and walked down the hospital corridors screaming, “I can’t see! I can’t see!” This has become a game we play at home now.
KIAH: Kiah wants everyone to know that if anyone calls her “tri-pod” ONE MORE TIME, she will bite you. She’s serious this time. SHE WILL BITE YOU. Oh, who are we kidding. She will jump on you and wag her butt, but she will be crying on the inside.
And that’s the news from the Jennings family. We hope you have a very merry Christmas and a decent New Year.