Potty training twins is another thing that is not for wimps.

Yesterday, Ella made the brightest neon green pile of poop that I have ever seen. Which leads me to wonder, how did anyone ever parent without the internet? Pre-WebMd, how many calls a day did the local pediatrician get from hysterical mothers insisting they bring in diapers full of their child’s nuclear green stool samples for close scrutiny and scientific inspection?

I am in the very first stages of potty-training the twins right now (which is such a good time) and one of the things you are supposed to do is to show your toddler where their poop is supposed to go. (This is the potty; it is not a corner in a closet or a shrub outside.) So, Ella pranced behind me as I trekked to the bathroom, or, as the twins view it, the room with fun splashing pool, where I deposited the slimy excrement into the toilet. I flushed and she said, gleefully, “Buh Bye! Bye-eeee!” Then she turned to me and said matter-of-factly, “Geen.” Yes, geen. An ungodly shade of geen.

Potty training is not a talent of mine. Yet, it must be done, especially if I want to ditch the kids in WKids next year so I can eat donuts uninterrupted in the café.

Parents find themselves doing desperate, socially inappropriate things in order to get their kids to use the toilet. For instance, this morning I found myself shouting from the kitchen:

“Daniel! Ella! Mama is going to make pee-pee in the potty! Do you want to see how mama puts pee-pee in the potty?” Modeling is also very important when you are potty-training and, for some reason, Caleb hates the twins watching him take a whiz so the onus falls on me.

The twins think this is a great show and especially love the flushing part, but when I ask them if they want to put their own pee-pee in the potty, I am answered with a resounding “No way!” from Ella.

“Nooo waaay!” says Daniel, soon after.

Just to see if they actually understand what I’m saying, I ask a test question,

“Would you like to throw blocks into the potty?”

“Yesh!” says Daniel.

“No way!” says Ella. (Which leads me to believe that she just likes the sound of her authoritative little voice, for I know how much she enjoys a good block throwing water party.)

But these are just the first stages of potty-training. Soon, I will get out the little potty and have them sit on it to get the feel of it. We will decorate it with stickers and then I will offer treats in return for some tinkle in the pot. They will do it once and there will be great rejoicing and cake eating and phone calls to family members! However, as soon as it starts it will abruptly end and not too long after I will resort to pleading and begging and the occasional benign threat. (So help me God, if you don’t poop in the potty I WILL SELL YOU ON EBAY!!!)

And then, one day, one of them will announce to me in a triumphant voice that they’ve gone and made a poo-poo in the potty. I will go into the bathroom to see it for myself, because children, as you know, are liars, and I will say, “Yes, indeed you did make a poo-poo in the potty! But let’s discuss what the appropriate amount of toilet paper to use is so we don’t clog the toilet again…”

Until that glorious, far-off day, I am subjected daily to viewing their number twos in close, personal, proximity. I truly long for that day when I no longer am clipping diaper coupons and only see my babies’ behinds at bath time, when they are soapy and fresh and therefore cute.