Thursday, February 25, 2010

Down with Disney

There are a lot of bad things being taught to our children, especially our daughters, and these bad things are coming to us straight from the Disney Vault, which mysteriously opens and closes at random times. I’d like to see this vault one day. I bet it’s all gold and shiny.

I have listed just a few of the incredibly horrific aspects of certain films that we have subjected our kids to. Please take the time to read this. After all, our children are the future.

Beauty and the Beast: This is what we should be teaching our daughters: Sweetheart, if you’re living with a guy and he won’t let you leave the castle, throws things in anger, and growls at you- if you tremble when he walks in the room out of fear- this is not a good relationship. He is probably not going to soften up and turn into a strapping young man who cherishes you.

Beauty and the Beast goes against everything the feminist movement taught us. It is a very, very bad messed up message to send to our daughters.

The Little Mermaid: This movie stereotypes Jamaicans. Note Sebastian the Jamaican Crab’s little ditty:

Up on the shore they work all day
Out in the sun they slave away
While we devotin'
Full time to floatin'
Under the sea!

Jamaicans are not listless, free-loading beach bums! At least, I don’t think they are! I’ve never actually been to Jamaica, but I’ve heard good things. The bob-sled team won the Olympic gold medal one year! Remember? They made a movie out of it. The Jamaicans seem like a hardworking lot. Bob Marley worked hard and look at all he accomplished! I like that song, “One Love.”

Also, The Little Mermaid promotes witchcraft and bestiality. I don’t think, as parents, we should promote mermaid/ human relations. I’m also banning Splash from my household and you probably should too.

Snow White: My greatest beef with this movie is its wrongful stereotyping of the apple. The idea that apples are “bad” or “poisonous” began in the biblical book of Genesis. The myth that apples are intrinsically evil has been perpetuated over the years. Thanks to Disney, apples continue to get a bad rep. In fact, apples are full of antioxidants, clean teeth and gums, are full of fiber, and they also lower cholesterol. Children should not be taught to be afraid of apples. We should shove those suckers down their throats every day.

Don’t even get me started on the seven dwarves.

Sleeping Beauty: This film promotes slothfulness. We should teach our daughters to be proactive. Sleeping the day away waiting for your prince to come is just not the American way. Women will never get ahead with this kind of attitude.

Also, I don't condone frolicking with strange boys in the woods. It's not smart. Do you know how many rapes occur in the woods each year? Alarmingly, quite a few. Prince Philip, my eye. Men will say ANYTHING to have their way with you.

Cinderella: No matter what this movie suggests, large feet are not indicative of nasty people. Think of how many little girls with gigantic feet felt horrible after witnessing Cinderella stick her tiny foot into the glass slipper.

Also, I’m in favor of cats chasing and killing mice in the house. The villainization of cats is a common, disturbing theme in Disney films like Lady and the Tramp, Tom and Jerry, and the Fievel movies. Okay, so the last two examples aren’t Disney, but you get the picture, and it isn’t pretty.

Pooh’s Heffalump Movie: This is a great movie. You should probably get it.

This post is entirely the opinion of the writer of this blog. It is also completely facetious. It is a response to the continued objection of a certain husband to this blogger’s wish to join the Disney Movie Club, which offers four movies at only 1.99 a pop- even Lindsay Lohan films- plus two bonus films at discounted prices. Then, you have to buy like 50 more for 30.00 a dvd, but it’s probably still a good deal and I feel I am being unfairly treated. After all, I am a princess who deserves anything I want. At least, that’s what Disney taught me.


hokgardner said...

THe thing that bugs me about disney movies, seriously, is that they show the girls getting married at the ripe old age of 16. Whenever we watch one of them, I make sure to say, "And before they got married, she went to college and had a career and traveled the world a little bit."

My daughters are now old enough that they just roll their eyes at me.

Anonymous said...

The most insidious message of Beauty and the Beast? "I can change him."

Holly said...

Indeed. Most insidious.

I hope Ariel went to college. I mean, she thought a fork was a comb for heaven's sake. She needed serious education, starting with the basics.

J. Andersen said...

Don't we all have a little beast lurking inside that tends to come out in mysterious, unexpected and not-so-pretty ways? I'm certainly thankful that when that beast comes out in me my hubby doesn't go running away screaming or worse yet grabs the gun and decides to kill the beast, but instead chooses to forgive and work through those personality flaws. Maybe Disney can work that into a new movie.

Anonymous said...

Your husband is,as always, right. :)

Holly said...

Oh blah.

Anonymous said...

Up gives us boys some seriously false hope. Some dreams don't ever die, they just grow old. One day your man, too, could make his lifelong dream of being a real life Indiana Jones come true, But He'll find out ...too late ...Once a goofy wilderness explorer always a goofy wilderness explorer!

MGBR said...

The worst message of The Little Mermaid, in my opinion: "Go ahead -- willfully disobey your father. It'll all work out in the end."