Thursday, May 12, 2011

An Education

I’ve taken up transcription work. I thought it would easy, quick, yet strangely lucrative work. I was, yet again, wrong. The last three days have been spent at my laptop, earphones attached to my head, where I am trying hard to transcribe the ramblings of an aging contemporary painter being interviewed by an art critic who is married to the words “um,” “uh,” and “like.” I’m trying to do this amidst the babbling of my four-year old sprite who has become obsessed with the idea that I have a juice box hidden somewhere in the house- a juice box I am cruelly withholding from her.

“Juice box!”

“Ella. There are no juice boxes. We are a no juice kind of family. I promise you, I don’t have any juice boxes in the house.”


“I don’t have a juice bo- do not touch my headphones! Those are my headphones! Mine!”

Working at home with kids is for the birds.

Also vying for my attention is Adam Sandler, who is trying to teach me all about the word “crunchy”. He is the guest-star on Sesame Street this morning, an honor that apparently is an even bigger deal than hosting Saturday Night Live. Cookie Monster’s cookies are crunchy. Poor Cookie Monster. The macaroons John brought me back from Albany are soft and chewy.

John has been suffering from the cholera for the past week and a half. Which is totally unfair. A while back, the two of us initiated a contest to see who could lose 15 pounds the fastest. Getting the cholera gives him an unfair advantage. He has lost 12 pounds and is looking a little like someone who is suffering from the cholera. Also, he keeps bringing me back the world’s most tasty almond macaroons from Albany- a cunning maneuver on his part.

I nibble on my macaroon as I listen to the aging painter whose ramblings are much like his art: abstract. I’ve spent inordinate amounts of time researching the proper spelling of various LA art locales, the names of prominent contemporary artists in the 1980s, and dinky towns in places like Japan and Hawaii. Who spouts off anecdotes about Queen Liliuokalani of Hawaii? I’m beginning to think my artist friend is a tiny bit pretentious.

The good news is: I’ve learned a little bit about the origins of the Bauhaus architectural movement. Information that I’m sure will help me in a future game of Trivial Pursuit.

“Who designed the modern architectural landmark Disney Hall?” they’ll ask, and I’ll say, “Frank Gehry, b@#ches!” And they’ll say, “Holly. It’s not your turn. Please stop doing that.” And I’ll say… nothing. Because I’ll be quite embarrassed.

The twins are having baby carrots for a snack this morning. Carrots are “crunchy.” Between lessons from Adam Sandler and the aging painter, I’m getting quite the well-rounded education.


Rachel Castelletti-Gardner said...

Hippies are "crunchy". ;)

Amanda Gibson said...

What is it with kid's thinking you have stuff that you've never had before? This isn't just a problem at your house - it's a problem at my house, too. It's like they think you're hiding the juice box (or whatever) and you're secretly drinking all the juice after they go to bed or something. Or maybe when you're in the bathroom. I can just see it - you're in the bathroom doing your business and your kids on the other side of the door yelling, "I know you've got a juice box in there!"

Kid's these days! If they only knew all the crap we have hidden around the house. Stuff way better than juice boxes.

P.S. Next time I need to verify whether or not something is crunchy you're my go-to girl.

hokgardner said...

I've tried transcription work, and I am most definitely not cut out for it, especially with kids in the house.

I just read Queen Lilioukalani's autobiography. I highly recommend it.

Holly said...

The comments are BACK!!!! It's a blogger miracle! Heather- that is so wild. I've never even heard of Queen Lilakidfjda whatever her name is until two weeks ago.