Monday, December 7, 2009

Three Funny though Mildly Disturbing Thoughts from this Weekend

The Entrepreneurs

My husband and I are fledgling entrepreneurs. We spent a good part of the weekend brainstorming a novel idea for a brand new game for the Nintendo Wii.

Here’s the premise: it’s kind of like PGA golf, only not really at all.

First, you choose an avatar: any one of a variety of gorgeous blonde models, or if you would prefer, a feminine looking man. Next, you start the game. You are in a posh mansion. Your first quest is to run about the mansion in search of a five-iron golf club. Once you find it, your next quest is to find Tiger Woods within the mansion and begin chasing him while screaming like a looney-bird. If you can catch Tiger and smash his face with the five-iron BEFORE he escapes down the street in his SUV, you advance to the next level which is called “staving off the paparazzi.” (You can use that five-iron in this level, too.) You can employ a variety of different means to stop the SUV Tiger may try to escape in. However, if you accidentally kill Tiger, you lose.

We call the game “Tiger Woods Golf Re-imagined.” It’s a working title.

We think we are brilliant. We are meeting with the Nintendo people early next week.

No Seat for You

We went to church yesterday. We are cautiously becoming involved, but still don’t know the majority of people who worship there. Yesterday morning, I found a comfy pew to sit in while John went off to “powder his nose” before the service began.

As I sat down, the woman on the total opposite end of the pew said:

“These seats are all being saved!” There was nary a purse or a coat that indicated this was the case, and there was a good five feet between my tuckus and hers. Nevertheless, I stood up and said:

“O-kaaay.”

As I walked away she said,

“Sorry, sweetie.”

Just to make things clear: I am not her sweetie.

And who does that? Who tells a complete stranger IN A CHURCH not to sit in a pew because seats are being saved? WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

Later that evening, I told my story of woe to my friend, Mary. The name of our new church is “Open Door.” Mary rolled her eyes and said,

“Open Door. Where the doors are always open, but the pews? Not so much.”

Like a Virgin

Caleb is singing “Silent Night” with his class for the school Christmas performance.

Friday, after school, he asked me what a virgin was, which brings me to believe that perhaps “Silent Night” is not a children’s song, per se. “Away in the Manger” would be more appropriate. “We Three Kings?” Good. “Silent Night” just opens the door to a world I don’t want to go into yet.

I told Caleb a virgin meant someone who is pure of heart and body.


“What does pure mean?”

“Very, very clean and good,” I said.

A contemplative pause from Caleb.

“Are you a virgin?”

“No, Caleb. No. Mommy is definitely not a virgin.”

Fa la la la la. La la… la… la.

8 comments:

Toaster said...

RE Story #1--I think the Chinese beat you to it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGYOZnUcKZo&feature=player_embedded

RE Story #3--no comment! :D

Anonymous said...

When I taught, I had a 4th grader ask me what a virgin was. I told him it was someone who wasn't married yet. I could tell he didn't believe me, but once upon a time, that was close to the truth.

Woodswoman Extraordinaire: said...

Those are all funny, but #3 takes the cake. Gotta love those awkward moments with kids. They are inevitable!

Dad said...

Even as I write, an army of Nintendo software programmers is furiously at work creating a new game based on your idea. Nintendo has no intention of paying you a penny.

Claudia Jabieski said...

we went to Open Door for a year or so-- notice we are no longer there... ;)

Michelle said...

Let me just tell you...I am a HUGE Tiger Woods fans... all my hopes and dreams have been shattered. :(

Christine Riesenberger said...

I love you, you make me laugh so much! Mommy's not a virgin...ha ha ha ha.

Janet said...

Thank you for a good laugh after continuing to be appalled at "Christians"...Yes...WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!?????????? I can't take it anymore!!!!!!!!!