Sunday, July 5, 2009

A Heartwarming Independence Day Story from the Great State of New York

(Warning: in this blog post, Holly attempts to talk politics. She promises this won’t happen often... only when there are such wonderful, heartwarming politically-based stories to share with you.)

Ludicrous! Absurd! Ridiculous! Wildly entertaining! All of these words are indicative of the fascination I have with the current state of the New York State Senate.

The New York State Republicans and Democrats are more antagonistic toward one another than the Cryps are with the Bloods. Seriously. They won’t even convene together in the Senate chambers.

This whole debacle started when dodo-head Senator Pedro Espada and jerk-face Senator Hiram Monserrate defected from the asses to join up with the fat elephants. The Senate shifted; the Democrats lost control. The Republicans voted Espada to be the head of Senate. Because our goofy state has no successor for governor after lieutenant governor (remember Spitzer? Our once governor who was busted for visiting high-end prostitutes?), Espada is next in line to lead the state if something should happen to poor Paterson.

Then, jerk-face Monserrate, in a brazen move, went back to the Democrats. Since that day, the Senate has remained in a 31-31 stalemate.

Because of these events, the asses and fat elephants are in an amusing, though damaging power struggle that threatens the whole of the state. They absolutely refuse to meet together to resolve their differences.

The Democrats have been camping out in Senate chambers while the GOP meets elsewhere in the Capitol building. Things got especially complicated this past week when Senator Padavan (R) decided to take a shortcut through Senate chambers to get a coca-cola from the members lounge. The Democrats decided that his traipsing through their meeting constituted a quorum and began spontaneously passing all sorts of legislation.

The governor, poor soul, has refused to sign any of these bills, pissing off the Democrats royally.

Padavan is quite upset that he was counted as the 32nd vote. Apparently, he doesn’t remember voting. He says, and I quote, “I was just thirsty!”

Senator Craig Johnson, a democrat from Nassau county, says that it doesn’t matter whether Padavan was passing through the chambers for a “V-8, a Coca-Cola or a cup of coffee, a 37-year veteran … walked in.”

Poor Paterson… since the initial coup in early June, he has confined himself inside the state of New York. (I empathise. I, too, have petulant tyrants in my life who form coups often. Sometimes, I am quarantined to just my house! The difference, of course, is that my captors are very small children, not full-grown men and women.)

And then a twist in our story… Happy 4th of JULY!!!! The crown of the Statue of Liberty has been re-opened! Yippee! (She has been closed since September 11th, 2001 understandably.)

(This blogger does not know why anyone would bother to climb up to the top of Lady Libby, a tiny space where you can peer out of pigeon-poop, dirt encrusted windows. Yet, people seem excited about again being able to make the climb. It’s symbolic or some such thing. Whatever.)

The governor of the Empire state wanted to be there. Of course he did! He wanted to cut the ribbon. Wouldn’t you if you were governor? What a photo-op!

Problem: if Paterson should leave the state on route to Liberty Island, he would leave control of the state in the hands of someone even more incompetent than he: Pedro Espada. And Espada, who has already proven to be a shady character, would have most certainly taken the opportunity to further exacerbate the Senate stalemate.

No one was quite sure if Liberty Island was in New York State waters or New Jersey waters. Even if Liberty Island proved to be in New York State waters, Paterson would have to be very careful that while on route to the island, his boat did not pass into New Jersey waters. If Paterson had ended up in New Jersey, we certainly know what the Republicans would have said when taking control of the state:

“It doesn’t matter of the governor was going to the statue for a V-8, a coca-cola…”

Paterson took a long, roundabout way to Manhattan, making sure his vehicle and boat did not once cross the state border.

The statue, you will be relieved to know, appeared to be in New York State, so Paterson was able to attend the ceremony. Consequently, Mayor Bloomberg was NOT the center of attention. Bummer for him.

I really think this is one of the most beautiful Independence Day stories I have ever heard.

THIS is certainly what our forefathers had in mind when they signed the Declaration of
Independence… that one day, on a future anniversary of the signing, the governor of one of the original states would NOT be able to venture into another original state, for fear of ANOTHER state coup.

And no, my Southern friends, I refuse to move south. I would hate to miss out on the circus that is New York State politics.

Frank Capra could not have made this stuff up.


Anonymous said...

Thanks for the riveting explanation of why NY sucks. Move south! :)

Holly said...

NEVER!!! (Maybe in a few years.)